War Strategies
by Goose Lady
Summary: If at the end all you have are the choices you've made, at least make 'em good; and if you can't make 'em good, then make 'em fast. A marauder era fic, rated T for violence and some language
1. Secrets kept

Sirius stepped through the front door without knocking. He waltzed into the kitchen hoping to find Lily there with something resembling food he wasn't picky at this point.

The kitchen was in ruins. Cupboards open, dishes broken on the floor, the water in the sink still magically running. Sirius felt all the blood in his body turn to ice. He slipped his wand into his hand from his back pocket, and slowly threaded his way through the wreckage of the kitchen. He searched all of the rooms in the house surveying the haphazard damage. Who ever had come, didn't seem to be looking for anything in particular, and if Lily had been home it didn't look as though there had been a fight. No scorch marks on the walls, no blood anywhere. Sirius mounted the stairs.

He found Lily in the bedroom, her arms wrapped around her knees, she had been crying, her eyes red from it, but her cheeks were dry now. She didn't look up as he came through the door, she didn't move when he crouched in front of her, and didn't acknowledge that she heard him call her name.

Sirius sat in front of her and eyed her carefully. "Lily?"

Nothing.

"Lily you left the water running downstairs…"

Not a flicker.

"Lils…?"

"Leave me alone, Black."

"Did you and James have a row?"

Lily narrowed her eyes.

"Did you and James have a big nasty row?"

Lily cracked the muscles in her neck, "Its not any of your business."

"Well as James's best man, I do take a personal interest in his happiness and by extension your own. If you're not happy, James is not happy, and if James is not happy he's a bit of an ass comes over to my place to mope and make a nuisance of himself." Sirius scratched his ear. "Unless you didn't have a row, and you tore up your own house for fun…"

"It wasn't for fun."

"Well…?"

"Well what?"

Sirius sighed. "You know, Lils, I'm not an idiot. It looks like a Death Eater went to town in your kitchen and you've been crying."

Lily looked at Sirius for a long time, her green eyes roving over his unshaven face. "You wouldn't care."

"I doubt that very much."

Lily ran a hand through her hair. "I received a letter today…"

"And?"

"It was from Severus—"

"Snivellus? How in the holy hells did he find you?"

"I don't know," she said looking at the floor, "But if he could find us…it's not that I think he'd come to hurt me or James but, since he's working for you-know-who I have to wonder who else knows where we are and—"

Sirius was on his feet in an instant. "Not hurt you? For Merlin's sake Lily, wake up! The man's a bleeding death eater! Did you hear what he did to Gideon Prewitt? I was there Lily, I had to carry Gideon to Mungo's; he'd lost so much blood they didn't think he'd last the night."

"Is he…?"

"For now. But if that rat knows you're here we've got tell the Order, get you moved as soon as we can. It's clearly not safe here anymore."

"It's not safe anywhere!" Lily wailed. "It doesn't matter where we go, because someone will find us there, and then one of us won't come home, and…" Lily covered her face with her hands and cried. Really cried. Deep wracking sobs that shook her from shoulder to toe. Sirius had never witnessed such a display of raw emotion, the light fixtures were blinking, and Sirius watched in mild horror as the paint on the walls began to melt. Lily was a powerful witch if she could do this without even knowing, no wonder the kitchen looked like a war zone. He coughed awkwardly trying to think of a way to distract Lily before she tore her own house apart.

"Lils, come on now, we'll get through, I'm mean, we've got Dumbledore for Merlin's sake, and well it's not all bad is it?"

"I'm pregnant!" She cried.

The dresser began to shake. Sirius grabbed Lily by the arms and hauled her up. "Lily!"

She was shaking in his grasp, her eyes strangely unfocused. Sirius pulled her into a tight embrace, rubbing her back in slow smooth strokes. "Lily, it's going to be alright, everything is going to be alright. Really Lily,"

"What am I going to do Sirius? I can't possibly keep it, how can we raise a kid in this?"

"I don't know, but Molly Weasley is still going strong."

Lily shuddered.

"She's due again soon…"

Lily pulled away from Sirius. She folded her arms across her chest, "Would you keep it, if you were me?"

Sirius scratched his head and shifted his weight, unwilling to meet her eyes.

"You wouldn't." she said.

"I can't say for sure Lily, but we both know that James will be thrilled over the whole thing…" Sirius watched Lily blush. "You weren't even going to tell him. You have to tell him, Lils, I mean come on the man is your husband."

"You think I don't know that? You don't think I'm drowning under the thought of it. I know he wants kids, but we agreed not now, and this wasn't supposed to happen. We're so young, and with things the way they are, how could we bring a kid into this?"

"Life doesn't stop for wars, Lily."

"And wars don't stop for babies."

Sirius nodded, and then shrugged. "I'll go put the kitchen back together, and I'll write Remus and Moody to assemble the Order, but you have to tell James. I don't think you could hold a secret like that forever, and really Lils, I don't think you'd want to."

"I'd be protecting him."

"You'd be protecting you." Sirius walked out the door towards the question. "Either way Lily, he loves you. We all do. And you're a smart witch, just tell him…"

"Or you will?"

Sirius shook his head, "Not my secret." He smiled at her and walked out into the kitchen.


	2. Promises

Lily lay awake in the dark. She listened to James's soft snores next to her and wondered, not for the first time, why she didn't cast a silencing charm on him after he fell asleep. She watched her clock tick towards dawn. She turned over and looked at James; she kissed his cheek and watched him smile in his sleep.

"James…" she whispered unsure if she actually wanted to wake him at all. He didn't move. She traced her fingers lightly around his face, her fingertips catching on his unshaven chin. He didn't stir. Lily carefully swept his dark hair from his face and kissed the edge of his nose.

"James…?"

"You want to finish what you started?" he asked without opening his eyes.

"I think I need to talk to you."

"Lils its like three in the morning."

"Four."

He cracked open an eye to check, it was indeed nearly four in the morning. James groaned.

"We're on shift tomorrow, Lily. Moody is serious about that stuff, we need to sleep, we can talk in the morning." James rolled over punching his pillow, "And we'll need to start packing because your old Death Eater boyfriend found this place...stupid sniveling ass."

"I don't think I can tell you this in the morning, James…"

James opened both of his eyes suddenly alert. Lily was sitting up in bed now staring out their window. James sat up on his elbows a little.

"You've got my attention."

James watched as Lily's lips twitched into a smile, and then slowly pull down into a chin quiver. She sucked in a shaky breath.

"I don't want to have children."

James flopped back onto the bed and closed his eyes.

"I'm serious." She said.

"Lily, I know. We've talked about this, no kids for now, we'll wait until things are calmer, no use bringing a kid into this mess and all that."

"Yes, but I mean not even then."

James frowned.

"James I've got a terrible feeling, like we won't make it out of this…"

"What?"

"All of this." She waved her hands, "What we're doing with the Order, what good are we doing? Gideon Prewitt almost died the other night. Remus is a ghost of himself; and still more Death Eaters join _him_ everyday. You can't spit in this place without hitting a Death Eater…"

James looked at Lily, "You know what Gideon told Moody and Dumbledore about who attacked him?"

"Snape." She said it without emotion, but James could see the lines around her mouth tighten.

"Who told you?"

"Sirius, he was the first on the scene—after."

"When did you talk to Sirius?"

"Earlier today…"

"Really? He just stopped by for a chat?"

Lily didn't look at James, "I think he came by for lunch, and when I didn't have anything on hand we just sort of talked, I guess."

"He didn't wait for me?" James sounded strangely hurt.

"He had things to do for the order, James, he'll be back any moment I'm sure."

James shook his head, "We aren't talking about Sirius, we were talking about the Order, and the good that we are doing."

"Alice and Frank are talking about going into hiding-" Lily said quickly

"That's just cause Frank's all paranoid now that Alice is pregnant." James shrugged, "Makes a fellow take stock or something."

"Makes people want to get the fuck out of dodge."

James smiled, "It's not like Longbottom has a stomach for the hard stuff Lils," James sat a little straighter rubbing his chin, "I don't know though, a baby would make a difference—is that what this is?—you don't want kids because you're afraid of being sidelined? Because Lils, the Order can't spare you, no one can touch your charms, and what with you and the potions thing, I mean—"

"No James."

"What then Lily?" James placed a gentle hand on her arm, stroking her skin softly, waiting.

"I'm pregnant James."

His hand stopped mid-motion, James stared at Lily; she looked at the floor.

"But I thought—" He took his hand away; he swung his legs to the edge of the bed and slipped out from beneath the sheets. James began to pace.

"It was an accident," Lily began, "I guess one night we weren't careful, and I know what we talked about before, but with things so difficult right now, I thought it might be best if we just you know—"

"No, I don't know." James said and continued pacing. "You weren't going to tell me." He didn't ask. He didn't need to. Lily looked down. "It was Sirius who guilted you into it right?"

"It wasn't like that James, I just thought that it would be easier if I didn't mention—"

"Didn't mention that you were expecting our baby?" James stopped pacing, and his voice grew very controlled. "You thought it best to just leave me in the dark about it…?" Lily could see James shaking with emotion.

"James…"

"What Lily, cause I'm trying here, really I am but for Merlin's sake we're talking about our baby and you—you want to—" he couldn't say the words.

Lily leapt from her side of the bed, angry now, angrier than she'd ever been.

"Don't look at me like that James Potter, because it isn't you who has to carry this baby in your body, when you go into alleys that you may never come out of." The bed began to shake between them, and the lights flickered on and off casting eerie shadows on their faces.

"Don't act as though you're responsible for another person's existence, when you are daily fighting against the odds just so some demonic out-of-control wizard meets some resistance in his quest to kill everyone."

James put his hands up to placate her, "Lily, I'm scared too."

"You know nothing of this kind of fear, James Potter," Lily spat, "And you never will."

"I know." He said.

The lights settled on, and the bed stopped shaking.

"I can't know what that kind of fear is like, but Lily, I'm responsible for others, I'm responsible for you, for Sirius and Remus and Peter, and everyone in the Order—you are too."

"It's not the same."

"It's not the same," James agreed, "But anyone of those people would lay down their lives for you Lily."

Lily covered her face and began to cry, "That just makes it all the worse." She said, "Look at Alice, she just wants to help and Frank is talking about going underground…I can't do that."

"I thought you said we weren't making a difference."

"I didn't mean it." She wailed.

"I know," James smiled and sat on the bed facing Lily.

"I just can't have a baby right now."

James pulled himself over to her side of the bed where she still stood head in her hands. "Darling…?"

"I can't…"

James pulled her hands away from her face, "When I said 'for better or worse' I meant it Lils." He dragged her gently to the bed and wrapped his arms around her "It's not you alone having this baby, it's me here too. I want this baby Lils."

"I know James." She touched his face.

"After so much death Lily, I think we could all use a little tike running around here like a loose bulger."

"It won't be here, we need to move remember?"

"Then it'll be even better we can start a new family in a new home and everything."

"James—"

"Lily, for Merlin's sake it's a baby not a death sentence!"

"Promise?" She pushed herself out of his embrace and looked into his eyes, "Promise me that a baby won't make you stupid, that we won't distract you in the field. You must promise that this baby would bring you home safe after every mission, that they wouldn't use the baby against us—"

"Lily I promise to love you and this baby, and I'll do my best about the other stuff."

"That's not what I—"

James kissed her hard; letting his lips silence her. She leaned into the kiss nibbling his lower lip, she felt him smile. "Potters don't make promises if they don't know if they can keep them." James said.

"I promise to never forgive you for making me a Potter."

James kissed her again, "I promise to never let you forget you are one."


	3. Comfort

a/n: This chapter's a little darker than usual, and deals with more adult themes.

Just a warning: language/drugs/death…

Peter and Sirius sat an anonymous pub in some dingy part of London. Peter glanced around anxiously not at all sure where they were, while Sirius smiled to the bartender and ordered his 'usual'.

"Sirius, is it safe to be here, in the open…?"

Sirius gave the smaller man a wolfish grin, "Safe as anywhere, I reckon."

Peter tried to stifle a shudder, he pointed at the shot, "What is that?"

"It's called liquid cocaine." Sirius tapped the bar with the glass and threw the shot down his throat. He licked his lips and ordered another.

"Cocaine?"

"It's a muggle thing," he said. The bartender came back with Sirius's shot and inclined his head at Peter.

"A whiskey."

Sirius nodded his approval, and Peter couldn't help but smile at the praise.

"So what do we drink to?"

"We ain't dead yet." Sirius barked his laughter; Peter didn't smile but dutifully drank his whiskey. "Aww cheer up Wormtail, we haven't lost anyone this week." Peter swallowed heavily and rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants. Sirius didn't seem to notice and ordered another round.

"Aren't we going to wait for James and Remus?"

Sirius quirked an eyebrow at Peter, "I am waiting for them."

"I mean—with the drinks and everything—I thought that Moody wanted us to you know remain constantly—"

"Vigiliant?" Sirius laughed, "Have you seen Moody's face? If that's what vigilance gets you, I'm getting another drink."

Five shots later Sirius's good humor was ebbing low. He'd put some muggle money in the music player in the corner and then enchanted the thing to play some depressing muggle blues on repeat. The bartender had been trying to fix it for the better part of an hour, while Peter watched in a weird sort of horrible fascination as Sirius became unglued.

"It's not like we didn't know what we were signing up for, but I mean the Amegehettie twins were school mates you know? I really liked 'em, and it just seems so fucking wasteful…"

"Didn't you date Kristine our sixth year?"

"Yeah," Sirius traced his finger around the edge of his glass, "She had a real nice way of scratching my head, you know, all bloody slow and nice."

"Didn't her brother Tony break your nose?"

"Yeah, I was screwing his sister, it was cool, you know. And then when we all got in the Order, that stuff didn't matter."

"He broke your nose a month ago."

"Merlin's beard Pete, I was screwing the guy's sister."

"IN sixth year."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders.

"Last month too?"

"It's a war, Wormtail. People drink more, people make decisions that they wouldn't normally if they thought they'd live another six months—"

"You don't think you'll live another six months?" Peter almost turned green at the thought; he gulped down the last of his drink. Sirius shrugged.

"Doesn't matter much either way."

"Sirius, what are you talking about?"

"Oh grow up Peter. People are dying, good people are being blown up, or ripped apart, or lost, or worse." Sirius's face grew savage, "People we know, Peter, people we love."

Peter leaned away from Sirius suddenly very frightened of his friend, "You think—you think we might not win this?" Peter licked his lips, "You think we might not win the War?"

"We are going to lose Pete,"

"What?"

Sirius examined his empty glass like a crystal ball, holding it up to the light and turning it gently in his hand. He applied a steady amount of pressure, and watched as the glass cracked, and then shattered. "It's inevitable," he said fixing the glass with a quick charm, "There's too many of 'em, too few of us, the Ministry is no bleeding help—we're just stalling for time."

"Sirius do you really think that?"

"Sometimes."

Peter licked his lips, "Well what should we do?"

"Do?" Sirius laughed, "There's nothing we can do mate, just gotta keep fighting. Go out with a bang, Merlin knows that I want to take that bitch Bella with me when I go, or Malfoy." Sirius's lips curled into a snarl over the name. "Or Regulus."

There was no blood left in Peter's face, his hands gripped the bar convulsively, "You'd kill your own brother, Sirius? Your own brother?"

"In a heart beat, if he came after you, James, or Remus, or anyone in the Order really."

"You…you think he would…?"

Sirius shrugged, "I'm not worried about Regulus, he knows what would happen to him if he tried—I've always been a better caster. I'm not worried about Regulus."

"Oh…" Peter seemed to breathe again.

"I'm worried about _Snivelus._" Sirius growled.

Peter shook his head. "Snape? Why Snape?"

"Remember the torch he carried for Lils? All those years? When he finds out that Lily got herself knocked up I expect he'll be pretty pissed. Murderous even…"

"Murderous?"

"And he has no reason to spare any of us, anyway, the way we got after him in school, not that he didn't deserve it, the spooky tosser." Sirius called for another round. "I hear he's a real maniac too, comes up with the kind of spell that you get the dementor's kiss for, no trial or anything."

"Shut it, Sirius, even Death Eaters get a trial."

"Well he shouldn't, and he won't give us one after all those years of being a blighter, and he knows we work for the Order anyway."

"Yeah…" Peter fingered the lapel of his coat, and scratched his nose. "Spooky blighter…you think he'll come for Lily?"

"Torch like that? Only a matter of time."

"What's only a matter of time?" Both men turned to see James and Remus appear in the doorway. Sirius jumped off his seat and hugged them both. "Merlin's beard gents, I was getting a little bit concerned."

"For us?"

"Hardly…more concerned about who'll buy you another drink."

Sirius laughed, "How well you know me, Moony. A wiser Gryffindor there never was."

"Flattery will not get you another drink." Remus said.

"Cheap bastard."

Remus smiled, "That's more like it."

James clapped Peter on the shoulder, "How's it going Wormtail?" Peter tried to smile, but there was a sheen of sweat on his face and it was clear he was nervous and upset. "Peter?"

The smaller man shook his head, and patted James's arm. "It's nothing James, we were just talking about the Amegehettie twins, old times and stuff."

A shadow passed over James face at the mention of their comrades, he sat down next to Peter, and ordered a beer.

"How's Lily?"

James smiled, "Crazy…"

"I can't wait till she gets fat." Sirius said slamming himself into the stool next to James.

"She's not getting fat, she's pregnant, you wanker."

"I just call 'em like I see 'em."

"Sod off."

Remus sat next to Peter, "Don't you have a thing for fat chicks, Sirius? What did they call you—"

James, Remus and Peter all smiled and said at once, "CHUBBY-CHASER!"

"It was one time!"


	4. Numbness

"No," she said, voice muffled by the pillow she clutched to her face.

"Lily, come on, it's been like forever!" James said leaning over her. He gently brushed the hair from the back of her neck and ran his fingertips slowly from the back of her skull to the tip of her spine.

"No," she said a little less distinctly.

"Lily, please,"

Lily sighed and flopped over on her back to deter James from his maddeningly hypnotic massage. "James, I just don't think it's a good idea, to go over there right now."

"Lily it's a muggle holiday isn't it? One that your parents expect us to attend?"

"Uh, we haven't gone to their Valentine's Day party in two years…" she said sitting up in exasperation. James smiled slyly.

"You mean after you threw champagne in Vernon's face and accused him of—what was it—'blinding self love and socially debilitating arrogance'? right?" James kissed her shoulder. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Socially debilitating vacuous-ness if you must know."

"Right! Oh can't we go this year? Please Lily I never ask you for anything, just this one time, please."

James widened his brown eyes to their fullest pleading extent. Lily leveled him with an unaffected glare.

"You do know that Vernon and Petunia have a child, don't you?"

"Yes they did spawn last year didn't they…"

"Shut it, you great git!" Lily slapped James playfully on the shoulder. "She is still my sister you know."

"Lily genetics aside, you can't possibly insist on calling that thing a child. It's a larva."

"James he's a helpless baby."

"I didn't know you could differentiate gender at such on early pupil stage,"

Lily threw off the covers and got out of bed. James grabbed her wrist. Lily looked back and raised a slender red eyebrow at him. "If you promise to go, I'll make it worth your while…"

"Really Potter? And how do you plan to do that?"

James pulled on the captured wrist until Lily's knees bumped against the side of the bed. James got to his knees and suddenly he was slightly taller than her. He kissed the edge of her freckled nose. Then one cheek and then the other, slowly moving along her jaw line, pushing her hair out of the way until he reached her ear.

"I have my ways," he whispered. Lily knew he did.

"Thank you, Violet, I couldn't eat another bite." James said patting his stomach. Lily's mother chuckled, charmed as she always was by her favorite son-in-law. Vernon pursed his lips.

"And what is it that you do exactly, Jim?"

James gritted his teeth at the hated nickname, "I catch bad guys."

"So you're a cop, then?"

James looked at Lily not exactly sure what this term meant. She leaned in, "You should have paid more attention in Muggle Studies…" James nodded and smiled, and winked at her for emphasis.

"No Vernon,_ James _is not a cop, he's works for the government as an agent."

Vernon's eyebrows disappeared into his thick brow skin.

"That's a lie." Petunia spat. The other three couples at the table turned to look at her, it was the first she'd spoken all evening. Suddenly everyone was listening to the conversation.

"No, Petunia, James and I both work for the government as agents."

"Not our government." Petunia sneered.

Lily's father coughed loudly at the end of the table, "Tuney dear, hadn't you better go help your mother in the kitchen?"

"And leave Vernon alone with these freaks?"

A collective gasp went over the table in a wave.

"Petunia." It was Violet, from the doorway, her hands still wet from rinsing dishes; her face red with anger. "I will not tolerate that kind of language in front of my guests."

"Then we'll leave." Petunia said, "Up, Vernon, we're going." Vernon stood awkwardly, as Petunia ran up the stairs to collect her sleeping baby. Lily ran after her.

"Petunia don't wake the baby, just stay, James and I can leave."

Petunia didn't so much as turn; she just ran into the guest bedroom and flicked on the light. A shrill cry came from the room, and Lily walked to the doorway. Petunia sat on the floor trying with all her might to shove the obese Dudley into his winter coat, while he flailed wildly.

"Petunia, please,"

"What?" she hissed.

"I just want—"

"Well I don't care what you want, not in the least." There were tears running down Petunia's cheeks smudging her mascara. She whipped at her face with her free hand, having finally conquered the wailing baby. She stood and slammed past her sister.

"Petunia please—I'm-"

Petunia turned at the top of the stairs, "There is nothing you can say to me that I want to hear. I wish you were dead."

Lily blinked as though Petunia had just sprouted another head.

"I'm pregnant."

Petunia turned and walked down the stairs clinging to the screaming and thrashing bundle in her arms. She walked out the door, Vernon scarlet in embarrassment retreating after her.

James had stood up when Lily did, though he knew better than to follow her. He watched his in-laws leave in a flurry both shocked and surprised by their overly dramatic exit. He turned his laughing face up the stairs to Lily, who looked as though her world had just official collapsed. James took the stairs two at a time; halting on the last one, just below her.

"Lily?"

She looked down at James's anxious face, but her eyes couldn't seem to focus. "Lily?"

"I don't have a sister," she whispered.

"Me neither." James said shrugging. Lily looked at her husband's hopeful face and burst into tears turning and running into the bathroom, James chased after but Lily was able to close and lock the door before he caught up to her.

"Lily?"

"Go away."

"Lily if you don't open this door I will."

"You can't perform magic in front of muggles unless it's for their own safety."

Lily could hear scratching on the other side of the door, "James. DON'T!"

The scratching stopped and the knob turned. James pushed his hand in, fingers clenched around a bobby pin. His face slid in with a shy smile.

"I've been breaking into places for a lot longer than I've had a wand."

Lily covered her face and slipped behind the shower curtain.

"Lils."

"Give me a minute." She breathed trying to collect herself. Petunia's face swam into her vision. Lily's sobbing renewed itself with vigor. James stood on the other side of the curtain teeth clenched against the grating sound Lily's crying. He wanted the throw back the fabric and take her in his arms, but he didn't want to get hexed ten ways into Sunday. It had taken James years to learn that patience was sometimes better than persistence.

"I told her—" Lily swallowed heavily voice shaking, "I told her that—I was pregnant." Lily cried.

"Guess she doesn't want to plan the shower then?"

Lily cried harder, and James winced.

"Lils, it's not as though you thought she'd be thrilled by the news…I mean she sent us a broken hanger for our wedding—remember babe, a broken hanger."

Lily wailed.

"You aren't supposed to be upset," James said desperately, "It's bad for the baby."

"W-what?"

"Yeah," James said ruffling his hair, "It…um…hard wires him for stress, forever! Lily, do you want a kid who can't handle stressful situations with the cool aplomb of his mother?" James thought he heard a breathy laugh, "He'd be awful at quidditch like that—we can't have a Potter who's rotten at quidditch."

"What if he's a she…" Lily asked.

James let his slender fingers pull back the curtain, Lily was sitting in the tub her knees pulled almost to her chin. He looked down heart in his throat. "She'll have to be good at quidditch too, babe, no lame ducks in this family…"

Lily sighed, "Not on your side."

James stepped into the tub and eased himself down beside her.

"I think maybe your sister was adopted…or you know left on the stoop or something."

Lily nudged him with her hip.

He leaned his head against her shoulder. "I love you." He said. "But this isn't comfortable, I think it's making my butt numb…is your butt numb?"

Lily rolled her eyes, "That's the lamest come on, I've ever heard."

James pulled Lily into his lap, and cupped his hands around her soft ass.

"Hmmm," He said, "Doesn't feel numb to me,"

Lily lay her forehead against his, "It's not," she whispered.

He leaned forward and kissed her exposed neck, nibbling at her exposed pulse, "That's not numb either."


End file.
